I am NOT just a mother

Good Morning lovelies :)

Happy weekend to everyone and I hope everyone had a fantastic week. This week, we had discussions concerning how multi-contextual and interdisciplinary.

Since I am a mother that experienced this personally, I chose to discuss how mental health of a mother can affect the quality and care of the child and their families. I suffer from depression after the passing of my son. As a Black woman, mental illness is something not talked about within our community and if it is brought up, "church can fix it".

When I was diagnosed with depression, I was in denial. I was a "strong Black woman" that worked hard, was independent, and could handle anything life threw in my direction. I emulated the women around me, the women that raised me; so how could I get depression when countless of women before me endured just as much pain as I but have not buckled?

I had to let go of my complex of being this "strong Black woman" because it was not a rose-colored compliment but an insult to the feminity and fragility of my womanhood as a Black woman. Black women are often "forced" to be strong because we have no other choice but to be. We often are the sole providers for those around us and work hard inside and outside our home for the comfort of ourselves and others- often times in unsafe spaces that damage our mental state due to social norms and social oppression.

But outside of that, I experienced a the loss of a child. I lost my first.and only child after experiencing a traumatic birth. It was something that I thought I could get over if I prayed, listened to Gospel songs, and pushed in the back of my mind; and for awhile it worked. Working 60-80 hours a weeks became a distraction for some time but it eventually impacted my work to where I had a mental breakdown over something as small as tearing tape.

My family even saw drastic changes in me
. I lost weight, wasn't eating, was not my "bubbly, outgoing" self , was more reserved at family functions, and often would stare into space in mid-conversation. I knew something was not right when I had unnatural thoughts of intentionally ending my life to see my son again.

I finally sought out help and entered therapy. Surprisingly, it was not what I thought it would be as what is portrayed in the media. My therapist was so sweet, kind, and understanding. She didn't pry intly answer if I didn't want her to, and she allows me to discuss my feelings in detail dating from distress from childhood.

She even runs group therapy for women that lost their children in either miscarriage, stillborn, or death after birth- like myself. I attend every month and it is truly helpful. I get to meet women who are going through what I am going through or have been through it. I hear their testimony and hear how they often felt the same way I felt. From my solo and group therapy lessons, I have learned that it's OK to be weak because it shows I am human.

Sometimes we have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. As a woman and a mother, my first thoughts even before my son was born was to make sure he would never want for anything. I was only concerned about him, not me. Although a mother should always care and love her child, the child should not always be top priority. By that, I mean self-care and self-love are needed in order to maintain a healthy rationship between mother and baby and that requires small little "me"moments.

Getting a manicure or a massage is something that could rejuvenate the mind, body, and spirit and that allows the mother to be able to give more of herself to her child without overexertion.

In The United States, we are consciously aware of mental illness, but we aren't actively in progression of assuring mental health services are a) funded  b) accessible to all indivuals and families  c) fully staffed in our most vulnerable places and  d) destigmatized. Many women are evaluated during their in-house stay for any signs of mental illness after the birth of their child and their six-week check up. However, not much follow up is done after that-in which is why my depression was diagnosed almost five months later.

In contrast, Japan does not address nor fundmental health in their country. The issue of mental health is considered "taboo" and often unspoken. There are mental health physicians that are scatted across the country in some accessible towns, but the prices could be very costly. "Succumbing to mental illness" is seen as a form of laziness and/or weakness and plays against your work ethic.

Compared to countries like Japan, The United States is fairly progressive in terms of accepting mental illnesses, but lack of research in vulnerable populations, accessibility, and funding for mental health programs are setting progress back for many.

It is imperative that mother's seek out counseling for any type of mental illness they have or they may develop; but mostly importantly, take time to themselves!

My son is and always will be my world. My fiancee and I are trying to conceive again in the near future to give Isaac a little brother or sister. However, I will do things differently starting with taking time to take care of myself. I cannot give my love to my children if I cannot give love to mysf first.

10 days of happiness

Good Morning friends :) We are in a new class for the next eight weeks with Professor Horton and thus far, I am thoroughly enjoying the course.  This is by far one of my favorite and hardest blogs to write because it involves my personal birth story of my son, Isaac.

I am the PROUD mother to an angel in heaven,my guardian angel- Isaac Henry Taylor Dilworth.

My son is and always be my biggest accomplishment. I have birth May 20th, 2016 at 9:49pm from emergency c-section. My son was 24+6 weeks and extremely premature. I had severe preeclampsia with blood pressure 278/190 and higher and medication was not helping at all. My body was close to breaking down and suffering from seizures and stroke.

I was admitted three days before my son was born, May 17th, 2016, because my blood pressure and the doctors that cared for me wanted to keep my son in longer but were unable out of fear of the placenta ripping from me due to my blood pressure.

Everything happened so fast and I barely remember anything. I was put under general anesthesia for my C-section and I remember waking up to my family and my fiancee congratulating me on my birth.

The staff took care of me and my son very well. I often fought with the staff because I was on bed rest majority of the time and I wasn't supposed to see my son. (They knew that wasn't going to work. The devil in hell couldn't keep me from my son)

He, unfortunately, got very sick halfway through his stay from a bacterial infection that attacks his underdeveloped lungs. On May 30th, 2016, my son passed away at 11:55am in my arms as I held him for the first time. I replay that day in my mind every day over and over again so I would never forget how my son looks, feels, smells, or how he looked at me for the first time in my eyes and with his dying breaths smiled at his mother.

My birth was traumatic due to circumstances but the care I recieved was phenomenal. The NICU team worked over time on my son and because of them, I have momentos that I otherwise would not have like his foot prints, crochet hats and blankets that he was laid in, his name that was written in green glitter in his incubator, etc.

Also, the social work office was a gift from GOD HIMSELF. Mary- Ann Fontana was an angel in disguise the day she came to my to to invite me to scrapbook night. I was not going to go because I felt lethargic and just wanted sleep but something told me to muster up strength and go. Mary-Ann took photos of my son, the only photos that I have of him living, and helped me and.my fiancee create a scrapbook of our son. Three days after scrapbook night, my son passed away.

As far as my care in The United States compared to another country, I chose France. I taught in France last spring from late February to early May for a spring language camp in Aurabelle, France ( close to Geroux- Les Bains) I was very close to giving birth in France if I stayed an extra four weeks so I decided to go home and skip the offer to teach for the summer sessions until August. ( My son was due September 3rd, 2016)

I LOVED the French healthcare system. I had almost half my monthly checks go to taxes but it was well worth it because my health care was top notch and FREE!

I had prenatal check ups every week to a local doctor in Marmand, the closest "major" city in the region I worked that my employer paid for, my medication that I took for my elevated blood pressure was less that five euros ($3-5 USD), I had a midwife come every three weeks I was there to check on me and my baby as well as give me information on birthing in France if I chose to, AND information on maternity leave and reimbursement to pregnancy related expenses if I stay in France for the entire duration of my pregnancy.

I loved how compared to the US, France seemed to care about the overall health and wellness of the mother and Child. I had great care at the hospital I gave birth in as well; however, I rarely saw my doctors after giving birth, I did not have anyone come see me concerning how to care for a newborn or information on breast feeding, and there were no post-natal follow ups or home care visits that I would have recieved if I was in France.

In retrospect, I would have given birth in France and flown my family out to see me. My employer already promised me employment once my maternity leave was complete and I had subsidized housing through my employer. Plus, my son could apply to have dual citizenship at eighteen!

Either way, May 20th was the best day of my life and whether in France or the US, I was met with doctors and support staff that showed true compassion and concern for me and my son.

I love you Isaac Henry Taylor Dilworth, always and forever.